I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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