i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
