I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
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