did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
