it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
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Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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