He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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