I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
