i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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