It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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