Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
