C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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