I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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