is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish my penis had a tongue
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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