when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
