Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
