She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
