I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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