i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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