Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
