Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
