I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
