Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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