o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
