yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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