One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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