I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
