You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
