so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just cropdusted the office
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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