The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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