I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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