I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
