Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
