On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
