I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
