I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
