I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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