I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
