I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
