i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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