Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
