So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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