I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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