who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
