Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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