just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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