I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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