i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
