What a fucking waste of an outfit
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
