Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
