I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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