her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
