dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
zippers are such a cool invention
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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