She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
