Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
