my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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