my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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