My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
