Well apparently he's into motor boating.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
