I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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