I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
