she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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