ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If I had your ass I would rule the world
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
