Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
