yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
