dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
