cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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