seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
