i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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